Quotable Quotes

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Quotes about the topic of "Funny"

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man." - Lana Turner
"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party." - Ron White
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." - Bill Cosby
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." - Elbert Hubbard
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." - Frank Sinatra
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." - Mark Twain
"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." - Benjamin Franklin
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul." - George Bernard Shaw
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it." - Buddy Hackett
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." - Mark Twain
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." - Mae West
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneres
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." - Isaac Asimov
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." - Mitch Hedberg
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" - Phyllis Diller
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein
"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." - Lily Tomlin
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths." - Steven Wright
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." - Jerry Seinfeld
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry." - Bill Cosby
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." - George Carlin
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often." - Oliver Herford
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people." - Rodney Dangerfield
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." - Casey Stengel
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours." - Ronald Reagan